When…

  1. “no” = no
  2. “Yes” = no (but in a nicer way)
  3. “Sorry ma’am we don’t have that available” = the most common tourist phrase used
  4. 1st options don’t exist… “Sorry ma’am we do not have”
  5. Entry means entry and exit means exit (security is very pedantic about this!) Re: museums / shopping malls and toilets
  6. After asking where the stairs are… “Here are there stairs ma’am”… She watched us as approaching said stairs, then we hear “sorry ma’am, you cannot use the stairs, the door is locked” we turned around and waited for the lifts instead with a confused look – why didnt she tell us at the beginning when we asked, we will never know
  7. “Can we use the roof terrace?” “No, you cannot ma’am” “so, we can’t go up?” She says “yes, you can go take photo”, I say “so we can go up?” She’s says “no” – we ask the waiter afterwards and he says “yes you can sit up there and stay as long as you want” we roll our eyes and say “ok, yeah thanks”
  8. 3 days of asking for scissors, a bottle opener and 2 teaspoons to be sent to our room – hours later, after asking again, bottle opener arrived but we have 5 seconds to use it with Room service watching… Spoons arrival is still pending, so had to steal one from the breakfast room like thieves… We still have it and might hold it at ransom… After 4 days asked for scissors again and we hear “sorry ma’am we have none available” purchased one from 7/11
  9. We had asked previously about group tours and reception said “sorry ma’am no, all tours are private” so we did a private tour, asked our driver if they had group tours and he told us “yes! We have group tours”… He obviously told reception about our request afterwards and the hotel concierge knocks on our door at 9pm that night, he says “I understand you enquired about a group tour?” And I excitedly say “yes! Do you have information!?” He says “yes ma’am! what days are you available? I will check for you” I say all excitedly “any day!!! Any day at all!” And he says “thank you ma’am I will get back to you” and leaves.. 5 minutes later we get a call to our room “sorry ma’am we don’t have group tours available”
  10. Max’s restaurant – went as recommended by our guide, we go to order our meal and he says “maam this dish is for 2-3 person” I say “I’m only 1 person” he says “can you not share?” I say, I am vegan, she is not, so sir, we cannot share” he says “sorry ma’am let me to check if we can do single serve” we say thank you and wait for him to return (knowing full well what the outcome would be) – he comes back in 2.1seconds and says “sorry ma’am we cannot do” so we order food for 6-10 people
  11. When asked for soy milk at every cafe, they say “sorry ma’am we only have cow milk, try at other cafe” 4 days later… Found Starbucks and I kissed the feet of the workers
  12. Tour guide pointed out museums to check out – every museum we attempted to go to has been closed only to be told by a bemused security guard or cleaner “only open on weekends ma’am”
  13. Enquiring about 2nd tour at reception – “of course ma’am, let me check with the tour company and get back to you” we say “thank you” – few hours later walk up to Reception and we are told they are still waiting for a call back from the company few more hours later enquire again at reception – he says “sorry ma’am, what were you enquiring about again??” I bring out my tape recorder and press play 🤦🏽‍♀️ – eventually went on our 2nd tour
  14. On 2nd tour – (as it included lunch) I ask for vegan option, I said “ANY vegetable will do!” He says “yes ma’am vegetarian option is available” I’m so exited and say “thank you!” Food arrives… Vegan dish is full of chicken (chicken seems to be the new vegan!?)
  15. Excited to find hop-on hop-off Manila city bus!!! (called “ho-ho” here) download app, log in to app to purchase our first trip – app pops up notification stating “sorry ma’am, we are currently not operating”

In summary… carry your own spoons and scissors, a sack of alternative milk (or a few almonds you have milked previously) order chilli and salt prior to ordering all meals, If you like coffee… GIVE UP and starting having tea

All jokes aside! A beautiful place to explore! Don’t let this stop you and go with the flow 🤣💗 people are so lovely! 🌷